"The Nice Guy"
I have formulated a theory about "The Nice Guy." I am in no way insinuating that this is all males, by any means. This may also apply to the men who like "bad girls." Those who know me, know me well enough to know I genuinely love and respect men, but try always to observe human behavior in a pragmatic fashion. I am not into generalizations, but I am always willing to observe a pattern when I see it. And oh baby, am I seeing a pattern.
I am proposing we look at in an entirely new way. Your typical "Nice Guy" discussion goes something like this:
Men who think they are nice, but really mistake "nice" for "spineless coward" or "scared to do and say what they really think and feel," love to go on and on about how women only want bad boys, and ignore said nice men for bad boys who treat them poorly or indifferently. In this way they seek to reinforce or rationalize their behavior. Women then insist, no, we want the "nice guy." Then the aforementioned nice guys begin to get overly defensive, exposing their not nice side, showing bitterness and innate disrespect for women. Then we get to see who is really nice, and who is not.
I wish to add a whole new perspective on this.
Women may just prefer bad boys... But it is not for the reason that men think. It's not the excitement, or the danger. It's self preservation, pure and simple.
When you are dating a bad boy, you can always hope they will change, even though you know they won't... but realistically, you know what to expect from the bad boy. You know he won't call, or might cheat, and therefore, you are safe in not putting all of your emotional eggs in one basket. In other words, while you might love them, you do not love them beyond all reason, but you have the upper hand from an emotional/romantic perspective. You do not have to extend your entire intimate self, because you know it's doomed to fail. This is a way you avoid pain. There may be an underlying reason for this.
When you date a nice guy, and realize that he is really a genuinely nice guy, you think of yourself as being the luckiest woman in the world. You are happy to invest all of your love, trust, intimacy, and future with this man. People enjoy seeing you two together. Your friends are envious, people think you are perfect for one another and everything seems to be running smoothly and suddenly the bottom drops from under you.
Everyone is human, sure. But very often when the man you think was nice, becomes not so nice, it's a real shocker. And when the nice guy goes bad, he usually first exposes his yellow underbelly. You get to see him either lash out or act out, you get to see first hand his bitterness and desperation. You see he was only being nice because he was insecure, non emotive, or passive aggressive. That he was in fact, only pretending to be nice.
This is a total betrayal of our hopes, our dreams, our bodies, our minds. This is a gut wrenching, horrifying pain, more intense because we had faith in them. This is a bona fide trauma to our psyche. This is a crushing blow.
Most humans will do anything to avoid pain and be safe. They do not invest their entire selves to avoid it. They cease to risk because of it. If you don't put out your silver platter with your goodies on it, no one is going to throw up on it and hand it back to you.
I don't want to hear how you are a "nice guy." You can argue all day for it, and it's a totally invalid concept. We are all humans here. Nice or bad is relative. We are all black and white with shades of gray.
What I want the gentle reader to do here, is look inward, and see if this is perhaps true for them or someone they know and if they are willing to look at it for what it is. If they agree or disagree, I would like to know why and for what reason. I am wondering if when you realize you may be doing this, do you think it is an attractive, worthwhile or emotionally healthy trait? Is an unconscious desire for this sort of self preservation really another kind of cowardice in disguise? I would also like to know if you think this instinct for self preservation overall tears men and women apart? Is it contributing to the mounting difficulty in finding a healthy, loving and satisfying relationship for everyone, not just for you specifically.
I am proposing we look at in an entirely new way. Your typical "Nice Guy" discussion goes something like this:
Men who think they are nice, but really mistake "nice" for "spineless coward" or "scared to do and say what they really think and feel," love to go on and on about how women only want bad boys, and ignore said nice men for bad boys who treat them poorly or indifferently. In this way they seek to reinforce or rationalize their behavior. Women then insist, no, we want the "nice guy." Then the aforementioned nice guys begin to get overly defensive, exposing their not nice side, showing bitterness and innate disrespect for women. Then we get to see who is really nice, and who is not.
I wish to add a whole new perspective on this.
Women may just prefer bad boys... But it is not for the reason that men think. It's not the excitement, or the danger. It's self preservation, pure and simple.
When you are dating a bad boy, you can always hope they will change, even though you know they won't... but realistically, you know what to expect from the bad boy. You know he won't call, or might cheat, and therefore, you are safe in not putting all of your emotional eggs in one basket. In other words, while you might love them, you do not love them beyond all reason, but you have the upper hand from an emotional/romantic perspective. You do not have to extend your entire intimate self, because you know it's doomed to fail. This is a way you avoid pain. There may be an underlying reason for this.
When you date a nice guy, and realize that he is really a genuinely nice guy, you think of yourself as being the luckiest woman in the world. You are happy to invest all of your love, trust, intimacy, and future with this man. People enjoy seeing you two together. Your friends are envious, people think you are perfect for one another and everything seems to be running smoothly and suddenly the bottom drops from under you.
Everyone is human, sure. But very often when the man you think was nice, becomes not so nice, it's a real shocker. And when the nice guy goes bad, he usually first exposes his yellow underbelly. You get to see him either lash out or act out, you get to see first hand his bitterness and desperation. You see he was only being nice because he was insecure, non emotive, or passive aggressive. That he was in fact, only pretending to be nice.
This is a total betrayal of our hopes, our dreams, our bodies, our minds. This is a gut wrenching, horrifying pain, more intense because we had faith in them. This is a bona fide trauma to our psyche. This is a crushing blow.
Most humans will do anything to avoid pain and be safe. They do not invest their entire selves to avoid it. They cease to risk because of it. If you don't put out your silver platter with your goodies on it, no one is going to throw up on it and hand it back to you.
I don't want to hear how you are a "nice guy." You can argue all day for it, and it's a totally invalid concept. We are all humans here. Nice or bad is relative. We are all black and white with shades of gray.
What I want the gentle reader to do here, is look inward, and see if this is perhaps true for them or someone they know and if they are willing to look at it for what it is. If they agree or disagree, I would like to know why and for what reason. I am wondering if when you realize you may be doing this, do you think it is an attractive, worthwhile or emotionally healthy trait? Is an unconscious desire for this sort of self preservation really another kind of cowardice in disguise? I would also like to know if you think this instinct for self preservation overall tears men and women apart? Is it contributing to the mounting difficulty in finding a healthy, loving and satisfying relationship for everyone, not just for you specifically.
posted by Dawn at 1:04 PM
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