Do you ever wonder...

I was just wondering if anyone else ever awakens some days and questions their entire purpose in life.

I am generally a pretty focused person, intent on my goals. I know what I want to do and I do what I have to do to make sure that it gets done. I try to see that my family is doing well and is happy. I take time to do a few things that I like to do. This would seem like the way to do things, right?

But even getting up every day and knowing what I want and that I am doing what I need to do to get it, I sometimes wake up and wonder, what the heck I am doing. Frankly, I am not sure why, and I don't really know if anyone is having this problem.

So, I got a piercing. Don't know why, I just wanted to. I just wanted to do something to express my weirduality. It's still a bit red, two days later, but coming along nicely.

We will see if this changes my view in anyway. If not, it still looks rather interesting.

When All Else Fails, Lower Your Expectations

I have been going through a really rough patch since the August of last year. Things had just not been working out, or had seemed not to be, what I envisioned my life to be. I had made plans with my significant other, when he ditched me, presumably because I am so maddening, I don't really know why. We had made a few plans and then he sort of just vanished into the air somewhere. There was a lot of weirdness happening then. I had this creeping feeling that I whatever it was, I was just somehow, not quite enough of whatever.

As a result of this, I had been under the impression for some time that I was being cheated of happiness, due to whatever I had done and was not really sure what it was. Now mind you, I am the first person to criticize myself for things, I always hold myself to a much higher standard than anyone else has. I love to torture myself, I admit it freely. Oh, I am I am really good at it. No need to be humble about that. I excel at self castigation.

Sure, I have long range goals, for my career and education... and there is nothing wrong with staying focused on that, right? However, the fact remained that my expectations for myself as a person might be slightly unrealistic. I was wallowing in discontent. I have no idea how my friends could bear it. Yikes, I am nominating them all for sainthood tomorrow.

Then a few weeks ago, I had a revelation. What happened to the woman that just, lived life to the fullest every day and why did I even bother to imagine my life in a particular way, to begin with? I had put myself on hold somehow, and not really sure how or where that shift happened. I started looking inward and was not really pleased with what I saw. I was beginning to slip back into my pre-extensive-therapy mode of living up to what I perceived as being what others expected of me.

So, where does that walk begin?

First, I spent a weekend doing nothing for a change. I did not study, or go anywhere. I sat around in my jammies and ate things that were very bad for me. I just had a good time all by myself. I discovered that I am pretty good company for myself. I am never bored when I am alone, so why was I working so hard to avoid being alone?

Then I did it. I lowered my expectations. First for myself. I don't have to be the perfect student. I will never be the perfect mom. I can relax and let go for a while. I don't need to be the best at everything all the time. I conscientiously avoid being competitive with others, but I realized, I compete against myself in every thing I do. Every paper I write does not need to be the new standard in academic composition. I do not have to get 100% on every test. There is no one competing for my own praise like I am. It's depraved when you think about it.

I then decided that I needed to spend more time just having a good time and if I could not find anyone to do it with, hell, I could do it myself. I am pretty tough, I can go places alone if I carry pepper spray and a shiv. I don't need a date. Not that I had been dating much, since I find it so incredibly annoying.

So, I am sitting here totally contented. It's still a bizarre feeling after all that time spent in the mire. I suppose that if I can learn something from being a complete wreck, it may just be worth the time spent doing it.