When All Else Fails, Lower Your Expectations

I have been going through a really rough patch since the August of last year. Things had just not been working out, or had seemed not to be, what I envisioned my life to be. I had made plans with my significant other, when he ditched me, presumably because I am so maddening, I don't really know why. We had made a few plans and then he sort of just vanished into the air somewhere. There was a lot of weirdness happening then. I had this creeping feeling that I whatever it was, I was just somehow, not quite enough of whatever.

As a result of this, I had been under the impression for some time that I was being cheated of happiness, due to whatever I had done and was not really sure what it was. Now mind you, I am the first person to criticize myself for things, I always hold myself to a much higher standard than anyone else has. I love to torture myself, I admit it freely. Oh, I am I am really good at it. No need to be humble about that. I excel at self castigation.

Sure, I have long range goals, for my career and education... and there is nothing wrong with staying focused on that, right? However, the fact remained that my expectations for myself as a person might be slightly unrealistic. I was wallowing in discontent. I have no idea how my friends could bear it. Yikes, I am nominating them all for sainthood tomorrow.

Then a few weeks ago, I had a revelation. What happened to the woman that just, lived life to the fullest every day and why did I even bother to imagine my life in a particular way, to begin with? I had put myself on hold somehow, and not really sure how or where that shift happened. I started looking inward and was not really pleased with what I saw. I was beginning to slip back into my pre-extensive-therapy mode of living up to what I perceived as being what others expected of me.

So, where does that walk begin?

First, I spent a weekend doing nothing for a change. I did not study, or go anywhere. I sat around in my jammies and ate things that were very bad for me. I just had a good time all by myself. I discovered that I am pretty good company for myself. I am never bored when I am alone, so why was I working so hard to avoid being alone?

Then I did it. I lowered my expectations. First for myself. I don't have to be the perfect student. I will never be the perfect mom. I can relax and let go for a while. I don't need to be the best at everything all the time. I conscientiously avoid being competitive with others, but I realized, I compete against myself in every thing I do. Every paper I write does not need to be the new standard in academic composition. I do not have to get 100% on every test. There is no one competing for my own praise like I am. It's depraved when you think about it.

I then decided that I needed to spend more time just having a good time and if I could not find anyone to do it with, hell, I could do it myself. I am pretty tough, I can go places alone if I carry pepper spray and a shiv. I don't need a date. Not that I had been dating much, since I find it so incredibly annoying.

So, I am sitting here totally contented. It's still a bizarre feeling after all that time spent in the mire. I suppose that if I can learn something from being a complete wreck, it may just be worth the time spent doing it.